ttthhheeepppaaarrrtttyyy

i browsed the house and found the loft, me and mikhail (sp? -_-) opening the windows to let the horribly hot air out of the room. we were followed shortly by Sophia and she took the screen out o fthe window and climbed onto the roof. we followed her out there and sat for a while until we got bored, only venturing a few feet from the window.

it was around then thati was downstairs challenging Gray to an epic duel to the death via rope swings and sniper rife fire. yes. and we played basketball. ive never honestly played before, ive only thrown a few free throws, and made even less. accepted started and me and jake were getting fed up with being unable to hear it.

i went up stairs to get away from the mass of people, and for the first time in two months almost celeste saw me. she hugged me like she always does. we sat down and were talking about everything and she laid down in my lap. i didnt really care, i was happy. we held hands.

someone came upstairs and we went back on the roof. it started raining and, fearing how slippery it might become, we fled back into the loft. kenny, miles, parker, logan, katie malley, juan, max, and carlee were telling storys. celeste and max were laying on me, kenny was next to me. i was happy and content at what i was doing by holding her. i didnt care what people would think. so i held on and she held my hand tighter, literally making it throb and sting from losing blood. slowly people went down stairs and left me alone. i went to the bathroom and saw celeste and sophia going up the stairs to the loft while i was looking in the mirror. i followed them back upstairs and sophia said she thought i was gay, celeste thinkning i were bisexual. i told them i was straight, but the gays are my friends.

me and them had a small talk about how people dont change and boys will never grow up as much as you wish it and people never learn from their mistakes. i started to realize what was happeing. munchy and cat were all the same way; i never was the one to fall in love.. it was their affection and unfaltering desire for me top love them that made me happy and eventually i did love them. but you guys know the story: munchy refused to kiss me after we did what we did because of personal issues with jr. Cat filled that void rather quickly, and i was happy because thats all i really wanted at the time. the thing with marie was 1) shes a ho. 2) i wanted to get away from cat. and 3) someone told me to prove it that i was straight. "hurp derp OKAE!"

sex isnt anything special. i dont want to do it with anyone any time soon. im happiest cuddling and kissing, with maybe roaming hands... you know. why am i talking about this? whatever. i dont want to screw my life up or anyone elses is the point. kissing and cuddling is enough.

anyway... sophia was talking to us and celeste started massaging my back. and i was happy. people started coming upstairs and celeste moved away like she was doing something wrong. i didnt think so. she started massaging my foot, which was weird at first, but damnit i needed it. people went downstairs again and me and celeste were honestly alone for the only time tonight. she hugged me and looked in my eyes and did the whole "looksattheirlipsbackuptoeyesbacktolipsbacktoeyesbackto.." thing

a side note on my fascination with subconcious, or more to say, subphysical movements of the being. looking in the lower right (from a viewer's prespective) corner of the eye shows unease. more of the beta type. alphas tend to look below-center of their eye and blink slower. also walking slower and taking up more space as they live through the day. laughing is beta. if you want to succeed so-sayeth the bradley, dont laugh. evar. anyways, looking to someones lips shows a desire that is transcendent of sex (at least at teh moment) and looking at a girls chest, or a guys crotch and legs, shows strong sexual desire.

anyway, she did that thing. and i kissed her. yeah it happened, and yeah it was breif and i apologized after, but it did. she looked at me in the eyes and looked in the corner of her eyes and everything and hugged me.

people came upstairs and i didnt even need them to want to get out. but still if i left because someone walked in on us i would look suspicious, and after all, nothing happened. so i stayed to chat with the random people now flodding the room and leaving soon after. sophia came up and told me people downstairs were worriedabout me being alone with celeste for what they thought was most of the night, but was really more of two minutes. the parents came upstairs and we all were talking pretty fluidly when i realized OH SHIT ITS 1230AM WARES MY PHONE and went down stairs. everyone was awkward.

i GTFO'd

i took jake home, and spoke to him about what had happened to clear it up directly with at least one person that night. he aggreed with alot of what i said. we talked about theatre. we talked about how he was supposed ot behome at 1130, and now its 1 am.

i dropped him off and now im writing this at 241 am.

in closing, the reason i have this blog is to write about things like this in a semi private place where i can say what honestly happens first-handedly. so Christian, if youre reading this, i hope my honesty can cure some of what i admit i screwed up tonight, and even with madison. i dont know what i was really trying to prove, but i didnt prove much of anything.

thats about all.