the day.

i was hanging up my painting this morning without coffe or muffin when munchy came in adn i realized i see her as two different people from on the phone and in real life. it started driping on her and she wiped it on a small paper towel. i was late to my next class so i called carrie to get her to tell the teacher i was going to be late. she answered
Hey love!

and ended Okay love, bye.

i kind of smiled and felt a little awkward, so i turned to munchy and said bye love and she smiled and said "bye".

we had a sub. we sat for a while with everyone working the assignments communally and i didnt copy them down. i listened to a song on repeat until it died and i stared at my blank screen for a long time. i showed carrie the picture and we went out for the bus drill. we didnt get on a bus. class drug on and carrie was talking about relationships with shanie and i chimed in at one point and tried to help things . i think i did a little.

i walked out to my car in the perfect weather and drove to dragonforce over to the bakery to get six dollars of food. what a waste. i ate my cinnamon roll in solitude in the parking lot at the senior high. i drank my orange juice and threw it at a trash can. i missed. it rolled into the street and into the gutter. i sat in math and zoned out because i had learned the lesson with my sub last friday. katy was missing. the lesson ended and katy came back from the councilors and i looked at her classes. dual. god damn.

i walked into the photo room and was mauled with WHATTHEFILOVEITSUCKS and fury of the storm came on as i left to go get a flash light out of my car and repark in some belle's spot at teh front of the lot. alejo came. we spoke about art outside of the classroom. critique is in a week.

i showed a few people as they walked past in the halls my piece and left after mrs tolle saw it. seh still hasnt read any of the House. i went to badn and wasted an hour and a half to get my audition music. i drove home to techno and realized i had a math tutorial. i grabbed a water and ran out the door to it. i got back home and was speaking to kayla about stuff and she said she saw pj adn rebecca in the halls. i told cat. she isnt speaking to me now.

its now 6 hours later and she just spoke to me again. i was happy not hearing from her honestly, but im happier shes talking to me. i know why she keeps her friends seperate now. because if me and pj spoke as friends, shed never be with either of us because of the other. kayla is depressed because nick never talks to her, and im trying to help her with it to little avail. its turning into self help for me and her. we just sort of tell each other everything now. i still like her, but its becoming just a friend thing now.

i still wish me and madison spoke more. shes innocent to all of this tainted shit im getting exposed to. shes a light at the end of the tunnel for me and i dont want that light to go out again. i was so fucking dumb to have been an asshole to her. i really love her, or the idea of her. i miss her and i want to actually spend time with her outside of school.

i should think of a cute naming scheme...

....so i realized i have no way of knowing who reads my blog.

sorry for that spray of angst ^.^;

im going to the lake house with parker and kenny and... who? hopefully we arent working this time. but i enjoyed painting, it was something to do, and i enjoy painting anyway.

im trying to take a creative picture every day and upload it to facebook. which reminds me.... KENNY I NEEDA BORROW YOUR CAMERA!

i loaded up my gigantic desktop computer and monitor, along with keyboard and mouse, and went to bretts house yesterday. we set it up and hooked up the internet and played wow. it sucked. we got nothing done. we ended up reading FML all night. it was grand. we read the whole site nearly.

my phone squeaks.

sitting around with nothing to do.

i think its terrible when i wake up at 11 fully rested and after i realize its 1 in the afternoon i feel more tired than ever.

i should probably get more sleep.

i should go work out, but im too lazy for it right now... maybe around 6.

ive come to realize that i use the digits 969 too often for my call sign. server969 is something i thought up in 7th grade when i was trolling aim. its now the screen name for basically everything i use. i need to think of a new one before i go the way of pthorn91. thats my itunes acct, my blogger acct, my facebook, my email, and all forums i visit.

i sent a mass message out last night to 20 people saying i got a blog. kenny is the only one whos seen it now. i knew most of them wouldnt look anyway :P Theres a distinct satisfaction you get from letting your day out. all of your subconscious thoughts spill and people can look at the mess and try to make sense of what you were thinking that day.

The extended battery came for my phone. now i can talk to all of my no friends for even longer between charges. no seriously, i talk to kenny, parker, and cat the most. max sometimes, carley almost never, and kayla on occasion.

im hungry

i just ate.

im still lonely, and still bitching about it. i know basically every one of my friends' friends, and i still crave finding someone i can really click with. im just bored. with myself and where i am in life. im a junior in high school, of course i hate life. i have another year of this bullshit. im not even 17 yet o.o
thats probably why i like drama so much. its interesting and sometimes i can help things. its just interesting, like solving puzzles, only not. at all.

i keep a tape recorder by my bed thinking repeating my day into it every night for the past two years will change something, or in some way help. i have 5 hours of me talking on 4 tapes. it started back at the beginning of sophomore year and i stopped doing them around christmas this year. my whole relationship with munchy is on there and cat and up to the end of those times. funny how you can fit joy and elated prosperity alongside complete sadness. but with sadness comes happiness, and hapiness with sadness.

i want to go to the lake.

first post

so i decided to get a blogger. if you get the URL from me, congrats, youre a friend. and if you get it from someone else, good job, youre a dick.

butprobablynotreally. we should talk more.

i guess i can start about what happened today, then fade into a rant? okai, threetwoonego!



My day started off rather lame and faded into me playing wow with brett. so it dipped into dangerously lame territory. i went to max's house and josie, jessica, and heather were there. josie likes me because she touched my dick.

here we go: so i was at max's because he promised fun times. fun times consisted of me trying to get a golf ball on a tee in a snow globe and watching others fail at it. josie came over, then so did jessica (the newest fag hag), and kenny too. it was boring for a while, then we got cici's and laid on the air hockey table and max tried to take my jeans off.

he succeeded, i punched him in the dick.

so i got them back on and josie was flirting with me. i joked that my jeans were "easy access" because theyre button fly and people were enthralled. a bit of backstory about me, ever since sophomore year, ive been exceedingly confident around women. so, i flirt, but i really dont mean anything by it. so she touched my thigh ad i said very calmly, "you idiot that my thigh. just grab me if youre going to try." which is really how madisona dn i hooked up. someone dared her to lick the bbq sauce off of my fingers and i took up on it, and so did she. then it was on my lips and we kissed. i thought she was cute. so someone told her to grab me and i knew she wouldnt do it, so i took a fry or something and laid it in my lap and said

"Hey! want the fry?"
"...yes"
"well fuck the fry. *throws it on the table* touch me."

she didnt, but i made the whole table of 20 go OH SHIT SON or OH SNAP depending on whiteness. and then she texted me after i showed everyone my sub woofer and the kid in the porche carerra S said he wanted me to put on in his car, then i left for a math tutorial and learned about exponential decay. i thought she was cute, and the way she flirted made me BAWW because i could tell shed never had a boyfriend, then i felt guilty about flirting with her, but kept going...?
yeah, thats what happened really, the i told her i didnt want to date her and i led her on and she understood but didnt want to talk to me after that, so i told her i was sorry and i still wanted to be friends. she said i was invited to lunch with them because she asked me via proxy. and that shed had a crush on me for.... ever.

we stayed on the phone for 3 hours, and she made me happy. i wanted things between us to be good and i wanted to take a chance with her. but once we started dating she never took the initiative to speak to me, and she left her phone at home most of the time because shed never use it. even though she had someone to talk to and who wouldve loved to volley texts late into the morning.

then josie grabed me and i didnt protest, because i was honestly stunned she even did. then i felt bad because id led another girl on.... so i went over to max's house today because i was getting more and more bored and wanted to see who all was there. josie kept winking at me and we watched boring videos on youtube and everyone pretended to laugh. we got hungry and i didnt want to be in a car with her, so i followed heathers truck on my bike. shes a goddamn terrible driver. i nearly got hit twice by cars because she sweved lanes suddenly and disregared the stripings on the pavement. i went home and ate chipotle.

i think my problem is im too honest and open. even here, where i know people will see everything i type, im not objecting to what i write. no "My blog, my thoughts" bullshit. if i say it i mean it.

thats if you even try to read this rambling nonsense in the first place...

cat and i are happy, because shes happy with someone else. kayla and nick are happier because i interveined and fixed problems kayla was telling me about. max is getting annoying because of all of the picture messages. kenny and parker are awesome.

so once this summer ends ill be depressed. kenny, parker, becky, christian, max, and every other seinor will be gone.
i think thats what really makes seinoritis set in: lack of friends. i dont like my grade's people. too many kids i dont talk to and too many i want to but only see in the halls. i think the only real reason im ever sad is im lonely. i need someone to talk to perpetually to keep me thinking im loved when really its when people love you and dont have to tell you that it truely matters.

i know that, but i still get depressed. just like :sex isnt everything" or "your girlfriend doesnt measure your quality of life!" i alwasy forget those...