so today i learned....

today i learneed that my friend smoked pot with KC Green.


i shat my pants. quite litterally, i lost all control of my bowels while wearing pants upon hearing this. now guys, i dont endorse any kind of drug, nor am i a hypocrit in that standard. i like my lungs :p and my veins. and my brain. but still, this was a tremendous achievement and deserved mention in this blog.

so i had an update a few days ago and i posted my usual status update on facebook. "new blog. read it if you know where it is :D" and i got a LOT of responses. it was like four whole responses. totally fucking blew my mind that people read my shit. or even know about it. This girl who had a fling or whateveryouwanttocallit with my dear friend Phil even sent me a FB message about it. i sent her the link cause i thought, what the hell. and this is the transcript:

You are more ballsy than i took you to be... lets be friends ;)

--ahahahha okay :p

--and why is that? because i wrote it, or because i did it in the first place?

Kinda both, actually. =D

--ahaha well, thanks? :p

--and somehow me and Shelby fixed things :D:D:D:D

aaaahh... okkk neverminddd. aw. hope things go well

...now how the hell do i end a block quote? whatevs... ill just type like this for a while... N-E-WAYS. i was kinda stunned at this little relay. i told myself strictly to stay away from this girl because i knew that Phil liked her, and they did things before he left for boot, and she comes onto me because i write about my life? i dont know what to think of it. : /

but yeah readers, me and Shelby got back together :D she thinks she overreacted, and i still think i went too far too fast, but oh well. I liiiiike herrrr.

it still shocks me people read this shit :p

ive been thinking about it today alot. Dr. Gio was talking about drugs and sex in jazz musicians lives, and then christian talking about pot and artistry and how it kind of goes hand-in-hand. the only MAIN reason i dont smoke pot is because you have to smoke it. and if you dont, boil in vegitable oil for 5 minutes and use the oil in a batch of brownies. (but even then, your house is supposed to smell like THC for daaaays after, so thats shot.) i like my lungs guys. i like being able to run a mile and be.... well, completely fucking out of breath... but i dont want my lungs to be completely out of commision. i play clarinet and saxophone, so i need them there, and i need them everywhere else basicly too. reason number two: pot gives you the munchies :p it also tends to give you a belly. ive nevr seen a skinny pothead. except for chase. but chase does loooads of ecstacy... >.<>

reason number three: i spend all of my money on Magic cards now. so even if i wanted to, i couldnt get any XD hahha even with the guy two doors down from me hosting parties every so often where people just come and smoke. you can always tell when theres one because of the big, orange, Daytona series truck that parks outside :p you know who you are. but that doesnt stop me from flashing my neons at the guy when i see him :p

butyeah. i cant really sleep tonight, so ill stop here.

i write these for my own benefit. i let you read them because i cant explain it any other way. keep this link.

i really dont have much to say.

i met this girl about a month ago on facebook. we became good friends really fast and we spoke every day. she was going through a break up, and i was wondering why taylor asked me on a date. we helped each other out. i gave her my blatant realism, and she gave me her hopes and well-wishes. we were happy. everything was simple. then she said we should meet up, and things took a turn on my end. where everything was looking up for her, i kinda saw this coming from the day she said i was her new best friend. for you see, i am an unbeliveable bastard. truly demonic. we were being cute to each other. i told her she was cute and i liked her, and she said that it was a releif it wasnt just her this time. so we started hanging out. me being terrifyed of kissing her and starting this downward spiral, and she just wanting me to show her i would be a good boyfriend. we spoke about everything that day. and we ended up in a train drawing into the walls. i dropped her off. she kissed me. and i was stunned. and i drove home with the only thing repeating over and over in my head "this will never last."

she came over once more after that. we laid on my floor all night and watched youtube videos. she went home after a few hours and said she was waiting for me to kiss her all night. me beliveing i was going to lose her by being afraid of losing her(or her turning into just another girl, to which she said that night "stop fearing that outcome ad just date me damnit") i took her to lunch the next day and we made out for... i have no idea how long. and i treated her like any other girl. and i acted like any other guy. next time that happened, she got scared and felt sick because of me. we havent spoken since really.

the thing that used to set me apart from every other guy was that i was shy, but outgoing. its hard to explain correctly, but it simplicity i was a virgin. i dont fucking need sex. i dont want it ever again if this is what it gets me every goddamn time. but when its staring me down i just... crumble. i used to crumble down to a shy boy who didnt want to do anything. and now i crumble down to where i left off. i need my stomach pumped. or whatever you need to do. i need my memories wiped. i need my eternal sunshine. the only thing that makes me so different now is that im the biggest hypocrit ive ever met. i fucking hate it.


why do i, HOW DO I, manage to do this every time i could have something simple and sweet? i just wish i could revert back to who i was when i met the girl in the drawing class next door. we were friends. i helped her out with relationships, we got close, then things happened. she was smart. she knew what guys meant for her. it meant her getting used and maybe getting dinners and nice gifts and someone you could show off. i wish i wouldve lost it to her. maybe id stil be that genuinely nice guy who could make friends at a drop of a hat. i know i wouldntve treated her like she expected. it wouldve been simple. and pure.

instead someone capitalized on her fears and my frustration and stepped in to offer me a solution id never thought of. she took me under and was sweet, caring, and essentially cuddling allover me. she was what i wanted from munchy. and i know it because i told her. and cat knew then what i wanted so badly. i just had to change the association and the faces. you guys know what happened from there. she slowly turned me into one of her normal boyfriends. one of teh 40 odd. and after a while, i caught on to the decaying cycle. we broke up, and i couldnt find someone like munchy or cat. because munchy was the product of honest caring, and catherine the product of reassociation of feelings. in short, cat said shed do anything for me. i dont know why to this day, but she did.

i guess i jumped at the mention of someone liking me again when she asked him to invite me to lunch. we were all friends, and i knew her to some extent, but i knew from the seating arrangment that it was her who invited me, albeit through proxy. maybe it was when she licked the bbq sauce off my finger. and my lips. and then we jokingly played a bit after that. and by that time, cat was just trying to keep me around. i would pick her up from school, go back to her place, and have rough, spiteful sex. and when i started talking to madison, i got away from cat. thats really all i loved her for now that i think about it. and when we started dating, cat knew i was trying to leave. she started being clingy and sweet again, and whenever i crumbled, she said "not while youre dating her! you asshole!" and i guess maybe thats why i had sex with her on the first day... i thought of her as a replacement....

we broke up soon after that. thank god, or else i wouldve seriously damaged her.... im just sane enough to admit all of this because i told her everything.

thats when celestes sideways flirting was caught onto by me. now people, i write these blogs for my own betterment. and my relationships are all shitty. but this one is the tops. im not even going into details, we traded pictures, but only ones like"i hope it wasnt too dark" and the picture is a black square. taht i waited forfuckingever for. she said she couldnt see me. i said i could see her. her family was asleep when i hopped the fence and climbed the flagstones up to her boucanny, doing a pull-up to climb the banister and be let inside on the second level. i didnt know i was going to be her first kiss. and people, belive me this was the strangest one yet. she stripped me naked within 20 minutes. and i got her bra undone. i dont know what happened. i think i was just securing my masculinity within mysel fto know that i could have a fling. im a fucking slut. people, dont come near me. im fucking evil. we made out the whole night. i left, went to 24, and had a very very cold shower. wearing the jeans that i came in, and the shirt that i found in my car. i dryed off under a hand dryer. it was demeaning shit.

and i stopped caring. for a good two months i didnt care about girls.

the shelby added me on facebook, and i made another loop in this vicious fucking cycle.


im aiming to go the whole first semester without grotesquely making out with some poor girl who thought i was cute.

and if i can make that, and i genuinely like someone, ill consider it...

im in boulder

its pretty

its fun

with or without my dad tailing me, its been a good trip. the drive in was terribad, but nothing catastrophic so its okay. even then me and my dad kinda clicked for a moment in kansas somewhere. but in boulder i enjoyed the time i spent on my own in the bookstores, on the campus tours, and wandering through the hill.

but i dont come to you to talk about the boring things. noonono, i come here to let my mind wander and spit up bits and pieces of myself for better or worse. i spill. so it caught my attention that i havent blogged in a bit when the girl i met on the tour, kate, jokingly licked a cone of icecream as sexilly as she could. sexilly?

i told her i was from southlake tejas, and she said she was from buttfuck idaho. i told her about catherine (because we were on the topic of what we were escaping from in high school, but mainly because i dont think ill ever get completely over her.) and she told me about Cole. i said id lost interest in sex after her and thought that sex lost its appeal after i realized it can just so easily be used against me. she said she knew what i meant all too well, and that shed done it before, but not to the detail that id elaborated apon (in what katie described as so viscious, carnal, and vain that she was disgusted in me and in cat) all too deeply.

so she said she could fix that after we got some icecream. and she licked that cone like i never thought one could be licked. no, seriously here, im honestly sure she practiced, read a book about it, and had private lessons at some exotic french school for giving head. and she looked at me with these pouty lips and wide-open, almost innocent eyes and i got chills.

i crossed my legs, recrossed them, and she laughed.

needless to say, i paid for that treat.


but heres why i came here to you, my blog, my audiance: why the hell was that so hot? i mean yeah, obvious innuendo, but all she did was eat something. so sure, how my mind works: i use too many commas and conjunctions, and when she ate that (goddamn it being vanilla creme) i thought of her eating cum.

so people get turned on by eating bodily fluids. is that voracious? vore i mean? where people have the fetish of eating or being eaten by someone? or just tightly wrapped, suffocated?

i got just as turned on there as if she was going down on me.



then i thought right after this blogging came to mind: is this healthy?

thinking like this all the fucking time?

i used to enjoy seeing a busty girl lean over in front of me alot more. i used to really enjoy when the girl in geography uncrossed her legs wearing a skirt, looked up and me, we shared a smile, and she recrossed her legs as slowly as only she could.

hell ill admit it, ive seen gay porn even, and it was hot. but recently even that isnt excitinig anymore.

my art friends say im just looking at things with more appreciation for the form and shape that they bestow upon the world, and am looking less and how god damn badly i want to get off in them. which should sound like im transcending onto some level of uberintelligence and peace in my being that those-less-fortunate could never dream of acheiving, but fuck that shit. i wish i knew less about how people work.

i hope i can find someone who can change this. male or female. i really dont care.

*sigh* shiiiit. now ive got to explain that thought...

im not bi. ive never been attracted to a man. ive only been attracted to women, and even then, only a few. and each in a different way and for a different reason. i guess im bi in the act that im open to the matter if i even am attracted. i wont hide under a sheet and rape hundreds of women to secure my masculinity in myself if that happens.


hmmm... hahaaa i hope i run into her again someday. maybe shell end up going to CU. maybe I will... she was cute and we clicked together without trying. maybe it was knowing wed never see each other again andwe could be as honest as we wanted. thats why we didnt share phone numbers. we didnt plan to, but we knew we shouldnt even see each other again. we could trust each other as well as a couple of two years can, and maybe thats the sole reason we got along: we had no ulterior motives other than spilling our guts.

now i know im never finding someone like her again.



...-server969