i really dont have much to say.
i met this girl about a month ago on facebook. we became good friends really fast and we spoke every day. she was going through a break up, and i was wondering why taylor asked me on a date. we helped each other out. i gave her my blatant realism, and she gave me her hopes and well-wishes. we were happy. everything was simple. then she said we should meet up, and things took a turn on my end. where everything was looking up for her, i kinda saw this coming from the day she said i was her new best friend. for you see, i am an unbeliveable bastard. truly demonic. we were being cute to each other. i told her she was cute and i liked her, and she said that it was a releif it wasnt just her this time. so we started hanging out. me being terrifyed of kissing her and starting this downward spiral, and she just wanting me to show her i would be a good boyfriend. we spoke about everything that day. and we ended up in a train drawing into the walls. i dropped her off. she kissed me. and i was stunned. and i drove home with the only thing repeating over and over in my head "this will never last."
she came over once more after that. we laid on my floor all night and watched youtube videos. she went home after a few hours and said she was waiting for me to kiss her all night. me beliveing i was going to lose her by being afraid of losing her(or her turning into just another girl, to which she said that night "stop fearing that outcome ad just date me damnit") i took her to lunch the next day and we made out for... i have no idea how long. and i treated her like any other girl. and i acted like any other guy. next time that happened, she got scared and felt sick because of me. we havent spoken since really.
the thing that used to set me apart from every other guy was that i was shy, but outgoing. its hard to explain correctly, but it simplicity i was a virgin. i dont fucking need sex. i dont want it ever again if this is what it gets me every goddamn time. but when its staring me down i just... crumble. i used to crumble down to a shy boy who didnt want to do anything. and now i crumble down to where i left off. i need my stomach pumped. or whatever you need to do. i need my memories wiped. i need my eternal sunshine. the only thing that makes me so different now is that im the biggest hypocrit ive ever met. i fucking hate it.
why do i, HOW DO I, manage to do this every time i could have something simple and sweet? i just wish i could revert back to who i was when i met the girl in the drawing class next door. we were friends. i helped her out with relationships, we got close, then things happened. she was smart. she knew what guys meant for her. it meant her getting used and maybe getting dinners and nice gifts and someone you could show off. i wish i wouldve lost it to her. maybe id stil be that genuinely nice guy who could make friends at a drop of a hat. i know i wouldntve treated her like she expected. it wouldve been simple. and pure.
instead someone capitalized on her fears and my frustration and stepped in to offer me a solution id never thought of. she took me under and was sweet, caring, and essentially cuddling allover me. she was what i wanted from munchy. and i know it because i told her. and cat knew then what i wanted so badly. i just had to change the association and the faces. you guys know what happened from there. she slowly turned me into one of her normal boyfriends. one of teh 40 odd. and after a while, i caught on to the decaying cycle. we broke up, and i couldnt find someone like munchy or cat. because munchy was the product of honest caring, and catherine the product of reassociation of feelings. in short, cat said shed do anything for me. i dont know why to this day, but she did.
i guess i jumped at the mention of someone liking me again when she asked him to invite me to lunch. we were all friends, and i knew her to some extent, but i knew from the seating arrangment that it was her who invited me, albeit through proxy. maybe it was when she licked the bbq sauce off my finger. and my lips. and then we jokingly played a bit after that. and by that time, cat was just trying to keep me around. i would pick her up from school, go back to her place, and have rough, spiteful sex. and when i started talking to madison, i got away from cat. thats really all i loved her for now that i think about it. and when we started dating, cat knew i was trying to leave. she started being clingy and sweet again, and whenever i crumbled, she said "not while youre dating her! you asshole!" and i guess maybe thats why i had sex with her on the first day... i thought of her as a replacement....
we broke up soon after that. thank god, or else i wouldve seriously damaged her.... im just sane enough to admit all of this because i told her everything.
thats when celestes sideways flirting was caught onto by me. now people, i write these blogs for my own betterment. and my relationships are all shitty. but this one is the tops. im not even going into details, we traded pictures, but only ones like"i hope it wasnt too dark" and the picture is a black square. taht i waited forfuckingever for. she said she couldnt see me. i said i could see her. her family was asleep when i hopped the fence and climbed the flagstones up to her boucanny, doing a pull-up to climb the banister and be let inside on the second level. i didnt know i was going to be her first kiss. and people, belive me this was the strangest one yet. she stripped me naked within 20 minutes. and i got her bra undone. i dont know what happened. i think i was just securing my masculinity within mysel fto know that i could have a fling. im a fucking slut. people, dont come near me. im fucking evil. we made out the whole night. i left, went to 24, and had a very very cold shower. wearing the jeans that i came in, and the shirt that i found in my car. i dryed off under a hand dryer. it was demeaning shit.
and i stopped caring. for a good two months i didnt care about girls.
the shelby added me on facebook, and i made another loop in this vicious fucking cycle.
im aiming to go the whole first semester without grotesquely making out with some poor girl who thought i was cute.
and if i can make that, and i genuinely like someone, ill consider it...
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