today was fun :D
i woke up to a text from gray and jake steel about going to see UP! at 1, and rolled out of bed. i showered and went to bennys to get food. id forgotten my wallet, so ill just pay for two things next time i go in. i went and met up with the Bros, standing at the front of the theatre waving my phone to find them. the movie made everyone cry. it was awesome.
we went to Five Guys, and ate the healthiest food imaginable while heavy sold us all KABOOM.
jake wanted to drive my car so he could see what a clutch was like. i was excited about it and ready to teach him, then he got nervous about it cause he hadnt driven one before. i told him itd be fine and nothing would get hurt, he wouldnt even leave first gear, but maybe that was just my experience driving the thing so much. i explained it to him in depth to teach him as much as he wanted to know, like how fast to let the pedal out but anyway, he had to leave after that.
i need to do my reviews... my guitar looks like a god.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i thought id make a post
seeing how i now have my blog out to the general public, im not going to change my writing style. i add whatever finese i can to exemplify upon the portions of my day that stood out to me.
for example (?)
i sat at home today after school.
...damnitnothinghappenedtoday
whatever, i still want chocolate.
I packed my xbox up yesterday with guitar hero and set it up at lunch with Venesky, only to have my ass handed to me by justin howwe. he got something like a 98% on before i forget, and i got a 92% (which, before i was very proud of). latin had a bit of a speed bump added to it, but it came off awkward, sadly. and as i went to retreive my ipod, that same speed bump hit me again. art even was disappointing. band was enlightening though, mr behrends put me in charge of prop construction next year like i wanted to. so i dont have to march at all, but just make sure the show has pizazz.
but still that damn bump slowed me down all day : /
but when two wish for the same thing, it has a way of working. and besides, its school. i mean, nothing interesting ever happens there. right?
its always outside of it. in parking lots and living rooms. never behind backs in an atrium. and its always the little comments about the aviators, or someone laughing about how they used to like you, then retelling the story to the point of it worrying you. its always in stairwells of parking garages and backseats of cars where life makes hairpin turns. its always in unfamiliar houses late at night after prom. and its always when you realize you may never see any of these people again in your lifetime that scares me and motivates me at the same time. i may never see cat after high school. i may not ever have anything happen between me and celeste in the near future because of her brother (which is increeeedibly disappointinggg). but im not going to see him again after all. i might never see some of my closest friends, so say my parents and teachers, but we have cell phones. we can stay in touch now.
so yes that speed bump was celeste visiting me. we hugged and it felt different from usual... it worried me the rest of the day. >.< gahhh its just a hug though. it cant really convey all of the things i want it to, can it? or are all of these physiology and psychology texts actually on to something? REM and involuntary relflexes tell alot.
i just think genco is afraid of my treating his sister the way i treated cat. i hated cat while we were together and every time we did anything i was disgusted in myself. but i loved her... and i still do, but its a friendship now that i have to struggle against her with to keep platonic at points. i honestly want to be with Celeste until one of us decides if it feels alright. i dont ever want just sex out of anyone. the gays beat me up about it, but im a girl when it comes to things like this. if a pornstar came up to me and wanted to fuck, i couldnt do it. i hand over more than just my body in cases like that. some people could do it, but i couldnt. i have to get to know a girl before any of that even really comes to mind. and on the note of me mistreating cat, she took me away from a healthy relationship; i still have mixed feelings about her for it. even if me and celeste did anything itd be truer than anything ive shared with anoyone else, because most of that was me wanting to get away from cat. Madison, Kayla, and Marie were all ways of me getting over her. celeste is different.
and i get shit for it.
just like i did with munchy.
now im expecting some strumpet to step in and sweep me away so i can hate her for two years.
aaaaaaaaaany moment now...
because life has a way of repeating itself that i dont enjoy.
for example (?)
i sat at home today after school.
...damnitnothinghappenedtoday
whatever, i still want chocolate.
I packed my xbox up yesterday with guitar hero and set it up at lunch with Venesky, only to have my ass handed to me by justin howwe. he got something like a 98% on before i forget, and i got a 92% (which, before i was very proud of). latin had a bit of a speed bump added to it, but it came off awkward, sadly. and as i went to retreive my ipod, that same speed bump hit me again. art even was disappointing. band was enlightening though, mr behrends put me in charge of prop construction next year like i wanted to. so i dont have to march at all, but just make sure the show has pizazz.
but still that damn bump slowed me down all day : /
but when two wish for the same thing, it has a way of working. and besides, its school. i mean, nothing interesting ever happens there. right?
its always outside of it. in parking lots and living rooms. never behind backs in an atrium. and its always the little comments about the aviators, or someone laughing about how they used to like you, then retelling the story to the point of it worrying you. its always in stairwells of parking garages and backseats of cars where life makes hairpin turns. its always in unfamiliar houses late at night after prom. and its always when you realize you may never see any of these people again in your lifetime that scares me and motivates me at the same time. i may never see cat after high school. i may not ever have anything happen between me and celeste in the near future because of her brother (which is increeeedibly disappointinggg). but im not going to see him again after all. i might never see some of my closest friends, so say my parents and teachers, but we have cell phones. we can stay in touch now.
so yes that speed bump was celeste visiting me. we hugged and it felt different from usual... it worried me the rest of the day. >.< gahhh its just a hug though. it cant really convey all of the things i want it to, can it? or are all of these physiology and psychology texts actually on to something? REM and involuntary relflexes tell alot.
i just think genco is afraid of my treating his sister the way i treated cat. i hated cat while we were together and every time we did anything i was disgusted in myself. but i loved her... and i still do, but its a friendship now that i have to struggle against her with to keep platonic at points. i honestly want to be with Celeste until one of us decides if it feels alright. i dont ever want just sex out of anyone. the gays beat me up about it, but im a girl when it comes to things like this. if a pornstar came up to me and wanted to fuck, i couldnt do it. i hand over more than just my body in cases like that. some people could do it, but i couldnt. i have to get to know a girl before any of that even really comes to mind. and on the note of me mistreating cat, she took me away from a healthy relationship; i still have mixed feelings about her for it. even if me and celeste did anything itd be truer than anything ive shared with anoyone else, because most of that was me wanting to get away from cat. Madison, Kayla, and Marie were all ways of me getting over her. celeste is different.
and i get shit for it.
just like i did with munchy.
now im expecting some strumpet to step in and sweep me away so i can hate her for two years.
aaaaaaaaaany moment now...
because life has a way of repeating itself that i dont enjoy.
Friday, May 22, 2009
ttthhheeepppaaarrrtttyyy
i browsed the house and found the loft, me and mikhail (sp? -_-) opening the windows to let the horribly hot air out of the room. we were followed shortly by Sophia and she took the screen out o fthe window and climbed onto the roof. we followed her out there and sat for a while until we got bored, only venturing a few feet from the window.
it was around then thati was downstairs challenging Gray to an epic duel to the death via rope swings and sniper rife fire. yes. and we played basketball. ive never honestly played before, ive only thrown a few free throws, and made even less. accepted started and me and jake were getting fed up with being unable to hear it.
i went up stairs to get away from the mass of people, and for the first time in two months almost celeste saw me. she hugged me like she always does. we sat down and were talking about everything and she laid down in my lap. i didnt really care, i was happy. we held hands.
someone came upstairs and we went back on the roof. it started raining and, fearing how slippery it might become, we fled back into the loft. kenny, miles, parker, logan, katie malley, juan, max, and carlee were telling storys. celeste and max were laying on me, kenny was next to me. i was happy and content at what i was doing by holding her. i didnt care what people would think. so i held on and she held my hand tighter, literally making it throb and sting from losing blood. slowly people went down stairs and left me alone. i went to the bathroom and saw celeste and sophia going up the stairs to the loft while i was looking in the mirror. i followed them back upstairs and sophia said she thought i was gay, celeste thinkning i were bisexual. i told them i was straight, but the gays are my friends.
me and them had a small talk about how people dont change and boys will never grow up as much as you wish it and people never learn from their mistakes. i started to realize what was happeing. munchy and cat were all the same way; i never was the one to fall in love.. it was their affection and unfaltering desire for me top love them that made me happy and eventually i did love them. but you guys know the story: munchy refused to kiss me after we did what we did because of personal issues with jr. Cat filled that void rather quickly, and i was happy because thats all i really wanted at the time. the thing with marie was 1) shes a ho. 2) i wanted to get away from cat. and 3) someone told me to prove it that i was straight. "hurp derp OKAE!"
sex isnt anything special. i dont want to do it with anyone any time soon. im happiest cuddling and kissing, with maybe roaming hands... you know. why am i talking about this? whatever. i dont want to screw my life up or anyone elses is the point. kissing and cuddling is enough.
anyway... sophia was talking to us and celeste started massaging my back. and i was happy. people started coming upstairs and celeste moved away like she was doing something wrong. i didnt think so. she started massaging my foot, which was weird at first, but damnit i needed it. people went downstairs again and me and celeste were honestly alone for the only time tonight. she hugged me and looked in my eyes and did the whole "looksattheirlipsbackuptoeyesbacktolipsbacktoeyesbackto.." thing
a side note on my fascination with subconcious, or more to say, subphysical movements of the being. looking in the lower right (from a viewer's prespective) corner of the eye shows unease. more of the beta type. alphas tend to look below-center of their eye and blink slower. also walking slower and taking up more space as they live through the day. laughing is beta. if you want to succeed so-sayeth the bradley, dont laugh. evar. anyways, looking to someones lips shows a desire that is transcendent of sex (at least at teh moment) and looking at a girls chest, or a guys crotch and legs, shows strong sexual desire.
anyway, she did that thing. and i kissed her. yeah it happened, and yeah it was breif and i apologized after, but it did. she looked at me in the eyes and looked in the corner of her eyes and everything and hugged me.
people came upstairs and i didnt even need them to want to get out. but still if i left because someone walked in on us i would look suspicious, and after all, nothing happened. so i stayed to chat with the random people now flodding the room and leaving soon after. sophia came up and told me people downstairs were worriedabout me being alone with celeste for what they thought was most of the night, but was really more of two minutes. the parents came upstairs and we all were talking pretty fluidly when i realized OH SHIT ITS 1230AM WARES MY PHONE and went down stairs. everyone was awkward.
i GTFO'd
i took jake home, and spoke to him about what had happened to clear it up directly with at least one person that night. he aggreed with alot of what i said. we talked about theatre. we talked about how he was supposed ot behome at 1130, and now its 1 am.
i dropped him off and now im writing this at 241 am.
in closing, the reason i have this blog is to write about things like this in a semi private place where i can say what honestly happens first-handedly. so Christian, if youre reading this, i hope my honesty can cure some of what i admit i screwed up tonight, and even with madison. i dont know what i was really trying to prove, but i didnt prove much of anything.
thats about all.
it was around then thati was downstairs challenging Gray to an epic duel to the death via rope swings and sniper rife fire. yes. and we played basketball. ive never honestly played before, ive only thrown a few free throws, and made even less. accepted started and me and jake were getting fed up with being unable to hear it.
i went up stairs to get away from the mass of people, and for the first time in two months almost celeste saw me. she hugged me like she always does. we sat down and were talking about everything and she laid down in my lap. i didnt really care, i was happy. we held hands.
someone came upstairs and we went back on the roof. it started raining and, fearing how slippery it might become, we fled back into the loft. kenny, miles, parker, logan, katie malley, juan, max, and carlee were telling storys. celeste and max were laying on me, kenny was next to me. i was happy and content at what i was doing by holding her. i didnt care what people would think. so i held on and she held my hand tighter, literally making it throb and sting from losing blood. slowly people went down stairs and left me alone. i went to the bathroom and saw celeste and sophia going up the stairs to the loft while i was looking in the mirror. i followed them back upstairs and sophia said she thought i was gay, celeste thinkning i were bisexual. i told them i was straight, but the gays are my friends.
me and them had a small talk about how people dont change and boys will never grow up as much as you wish it and people never learn from their mistakes. i started to realize what was happeing. munchy and cat were all the same way; i never was the one to fall in love.. it was their affection and unfaltering desire for me top love them that made me happy and eventually i did love them. but you guys know the story: munchy refused to kiss me after we did what we did because of personal issues with jr. Cat filled that void rather quickly, and i was happy because thats all i really wanted at the time. the thing with marie was 1) shes a ho. 2) i wanted to get away from cat. and 3) someone told me to prove it that i was straight. "hurp derp OKAE!"
sex isnt anything special. i dont want to do it with anyone any time soon. im happiest cuddling and kissing, with maybe roaming hands... you know. why am i talking about this? whatever. i dont want to screw my life up or anyone elses is the point. kissing and cuddling is enough.
anyway... sophia was talking to us and celeste started massaging my back. and i was happy. people started coming upstairs and celeste moved away like she was doing something wrong. i didnt think so. she started massaging my foot, which was weird at first, but damnit i needed it. people went downstairs again and me and celeste were honestly alone for the only time tonight. she hugged me and looked in my eyes and did the whole "looksattheirlipsbackuptoeyesbacktolipsbacktoeyesbackto.." thing
a side note on my fascination with subconcious, or more to say, subphysical movements of the being. looking in the lower right (from a viewer's prespective) corner of the eye shows unease. more of the beta type. alphas tend to look below-center of their eye and blink slower. also walking slower and taking up more space as they live through the day. laughing is beta. if you want to succeed so-sayeth the bradley, dont laugh. evar. anyways, looking to someones lips shows a desire that is transcendent of sex (at least at teh moment) and looking at a girls chest, or a guys crotch and legs, shows strong sexual desire.
anyway, she did that thing. and i kissed her. yeah it happened, and yeah it was breif and i apologized after, but it did. she looked at me in the eyes and looked in the corner of her eyes and everything and hugged me.
people came upstairs and i didnt even need them to want to get out. but still if i left because someone walked in on us i would look suspicious, and after all, nothing happened. so i stayed to chat with the random people now flodding the room and leaving soon after. sophia came up and told me people downstairs were worriedabout me being alone with celeste for what they thought was most of the night, but was really more of two minutes. the parents came upstairs and we all were talking pretty fluidly when i realized OH SHIT ITS 1230AM WARES MY PHONE and went down stairs. everyone was awkward.
i GTFO'd
i took jake home, and spoke to him about what had happened to clear it up directly with at least one person that night. he aggreed with alot of what i said. we talked about theatre. we talked about how he was supposed ot behome at 1130, and now its 1 am.
i dropped him off and now im writing this at 241 am.
in closing, the reason i have this blog is to write about things like this in a semi private place where i can say what honestly happens first-handedly. so Christian, if youre reading this, i hope my honesty can cure some of what i admit i screwed up tonight, and even with madison. i dont know what i was really trying to prove, but i didnt prove much of anything.
thats about all.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
well, i was right :D
i was completely right about kevin and molly :D
molly likes him, and basicly did what i thought she would on the ride to her house, and hopefuly kevin will treat her better than he did his last two recent girls. he aggreed with me about how me and cats relationship got screwed up, along with his and jennifers; sex ruins even the best. so, with any luck being for the two of them, he wont ruin this. nor will he let her ruin this by trying to rush something.
as for me, me and maddie decided it would be best to just be friends citing we have plenty of differences of what a relationship should be... she wants someone who can accept her as she is, i want someone i can accept as who she is >.< she was just weird some times, i mean im glad i tried it because i adore her, but it just got to me too much. and it doesnt help that i fell out of physical attraction not too long ago... she tried to wear a lizzard as earrings...
Band tryouts for leadership are going wonderfully, and im confident ill be awarded a spot as section leader. This girl emilie started messaging me me on FB, and one day she decided to text me. she hasnt stopped since >.< dumb freshmen. its obvious she likes me, and i made the mistake of calling something she said cute, so now she really wont shut up. During the chair test on thursday i used it to my advantage. she was first chair and had to play first, so i blatantly made eye contact and she started screwing up :P im evil. she wants to date me, but FUCK THAT. i just got out of something dissapointing with madison. i dont want any more bad descisions for a while.
With that, spring must officially be upon us.
molly likes him, and basicly did what i thought she would on the ride to her house, and hopefuly kevin will treat her better than he did his last two recent girls. he aggreed with me about how me and cats relationship got screwed up, along with his and jennifers; sex ruins even the best. so, with any luck being for the two of them, he wont ruin this. nor will he let her ruin this by trying to rush something.
as for me, me and maddie decided it would be best to just be friends citing we have plenty of differences of what a relationship should be... she wants someone who can accept her as she is, i want someone i can accept as who she is >.< she was just weird some times, i mean im glad i tried it because i adore her, but it just got to me too much. and it doesnt help that i fell out of physical attraction not too long ago... she tried to wear a lizzard as earrings...
Band tryouts for leadership are going wonderfully, and im confident ill be awarded a spot as section leader. This girl emilie started messaging me me on FB, and one day she decided to text me. she hasnt stopped since >.< dumb freshmen. its obvious she likes me, and i made the mistake of calling something she said cute, so now she really wont shut up. During the chair test on thursday i used it to my advantage. she was first chair and had to play first, so i blatantly made eye contact and she started screwing up :P im evil. she wants to date me, but FUCK THAT. i just got out of something dissapointing with madison. i dont want any more bad descisions for a while.
With that, spring must officially be upon us.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
im 17 tomorrow...
sub links: http://macknik.neuralcorrelate.com/pdf/news/powerstates_070801.pdf
im seventeen tomorrow, and as i look back, i feel so sick. its not meant to be like this is it? i dont want to feel like this. i mean i laugh and have fun in the face of it all, but at this point if you just chip away a little i overflow with contempt. my art is changing... its so enticing to chase dreams, but it seems the more i achieve them, the less i want them. i sent cat an sms today that said to call me after theatre banquet ended, i want to ask you something.
you see, she had a dream a long time ago when we first got together, a night mare that i took something from her and left and she would break down. as time elapsed and my love for her grew, the dream changed to me giving her a ring and taking it back. eventually the dream ended in me giving it to someone else. i loved her deeply when i learned of these dreams, and i always would assure her that would never happen, but if she calls me tonight, im asking for it back. i gave her a 1/2 kt diamond platinum ring for her christmas gift. she fucked me. its not that i feel like she deserves it for what she did for my gift that night, just that i know she is lying to me now, and that ring does not need to be in her possesion, making her turn to me time after time like i were her pet. tonight im going to show her my love for her is dead. and when she breaks down and cries im not going to be there for her. im leaving her to pj, and pj to his seven girlfriends he doesnt love. because you see, when theres nothing left to burn, you must set yourself on fire. and i am prepared.
im going to make a picture for Molly for her birthday being the day after mine, and being a year younger. its going to be a dolphin in an ocean of blood taht says YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU! :D -happy 16th!-
she likes kevin. i think its cute, and shes a flirt like cat was, but completely different alone. probably because she knows nothing will happen in front of a crowd when she flirts with everyone and makes all of the guys laugh and know among themselves shes just having fun. she was getting a ride home with him yesterday. it was raining out and so he went to bring the car around. as i stood with her for a bit waiting, i mentioned that she would be alone with him and gave her a smile and a stare that told her what i knew about her and suddenly her eyes sunk back into her head and she went cold before the saccades of her gaze went to the corner, showing shock, and immediately darting back up and then fearfully to my stoic gaze which i softened and her eye brows twitch slightly and she tried to smile like she was before. kevin opened the door and told her he was out front out of the rain, and as she walked away she made a final glance back to me and in a fearful fret of knowing that her guise was just revealed to me, we made a promise with eyes full of hope that kevin (who has been through a private hell with women which i could never come to realize) and molly (the virginal girl who lost the innocence she had through stories her friends shared) would find something between them.
i forgot, no, i did not know how to show her the pain that can come from her dreams with just a twitch in my smile and a change in my eyes. maybe its too late for that now. she ran outside into the rain and a warm car with a boy she would invest her soul into.
im seventeen tomorrow, and as i look back, i feel so sick. its not meant to be like this is it? i dont want to feel like this. i mean i laugh and have fun in the face of it all, but at this point if you just chip away a little i overflow with contempt. my art is changing... its so enticing to chase dreams, but it seems the more i achieve them, the less i want them. i sent cat an sms today that said to call me after theatre banquet ended, i want to ask you something.
you see, she had a dream a long time ago when we first got together, a night mare that i took something from her and left and she would break down. as time elapsed and my love for her grew, the dream changed to me giving her a ring and taking it back. eventually the dream ended in me giving it to someone else. i loved her deeply when i learned of these dreams, and i always would assure her that would never happen, but if she calls me tonight, im asking for it back. i gave her a 1/2 kt diamond platinum ring for her christmas gift. she fucked me. its not that i feel like she deserves it for what she did for my gift that night, just that i know she is lying to me now, and that ring does not need to be in her possesion, making her turn to me time after time like i were her pet. tonight im going to show her my love for her is dead. and when she breaks down and cries im not going to be there for her. im leaving her to pj, and pj to his seven girlfriends he doesnt love. because you see, when theres nothing left to burn, you must set yourself on fire. and i am prepared.
im going to make a picture for Molly for her birthday being the day after mine, and being a year younger. its going to be a dolphin in an ocean of blood taht says YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU! :D -happy 16th!-
she likes kevin. i think its cute, and shes a flirt like cat was, but completely different alone. probably because she knows nothing will happen in front of a crowd when she flirts with everyone and makes all of the guys laugh and know among themselves shes just having fun. she was getting a ride home with him yesterday. it was raining out and so he went to bring the car around. as i stood with her for a bit waiting, i mentioned that she would be alone with him and gave her a smile and a stare that told her what i knew about her and suddenly her eyes sunk back into her head and she went cold before the saccades of her gaze went to the corner, showing shock, and immediately darting back up and then fearfully to my stoic gaze which i softened and her eye brows twitch slightly and she tried to smile like she was before. kevin opened the door and told her he was out front out of the rain, and as she walked away she made a final glance back to me and in a fearful fret of knowing that her guise was just revealed to me, we made a promise with eyes full of hope that kevin (who has been through a private hell with women which i could never come to realize) and molly (the virginal girl who lost the innocence she had through stories her friends shared) would find something between them.
i forgot, no, i did not know how to show her the pain that can come from her dreams with just a twitch in my smile and a change in my eyes. maybe its too late for that now. she ran outside into the rain and a warm car with a boy she would invest her soul into.
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