i thought id make a post

seeing how i now have my blog out to the general public, im not going to change my writing style. i add whatever finese i can to exemplify upon the portions of my day that stood out to me.

for example (?)

i sat at home today after school.

...damnitnothinghappenedtoday




whatever, i still want chocolate.


I packed my xbox up yesterday with guitar hero and set it up at lunch with Venesky, only to have my ass handed to me by justin howwe. he got something like a 98% on before i forget, and i got a 92% (which, before i was very proud of). latin had a bit of a speed bump added to it, but it came off awkward, sadly. and as i went to retreive my ipod, that same speed bump hit me again. art even was disappointing. band was enlightening though, mr behrends put me in charge of prop construction next year like i wanted to. so i dont have to march at all, but just make sure the show has pizazz.

but still that damn bump slowed me down all day : /
but when two wish for the same thing, it has a way of working. and besides, its school. i mean, nothing interesting ever happens there. right?

its always outside of it. in parking lots and living rooms. never behind backs in an atrium. and its always the little comments about the aviators, or someone laughing about how they used to like you, then retelling the story to the point of it worrying you. its always in stairwells of parking garages and backseats of cars where life makes hairpin turns. its always in unfamiliar houses late at night after prom. and its always when you realize you may never see any of these people again in your lifetime that scares me and motivates me at the same time. i may never see cat after high school. i may not ever have anything happen between me and celeste in the near future because of her brother (which is increeeedibly disappointinggg). but im not going to see him again after all. i might never see some of my closest friends, so say my parents and teachers, but we have cell phones. we can stay in touch now.

so yes that speed bump was celeste visiting me. we hugged and it felt different from usual... it worried me the rest of the day. >.< gahhh its just a hug though. it cant really convey all of the things i want it to, can it? or are all of these physiology and psychology texts actually on to something? REM and involuntary relflexes tell alot.

i just think genco is afraid of my treating his sister the way i treated cat. i hated cat while we were together and every time we did anything i was disgusted in myself. but i loved her... and i still do, but its a friendship now that i have to struggle against her with to keep platonic at points. i honestly want to be with Celeste until one of us decides if it feels alright. i dont ever want just sex out of anyone. the gays beat me up about it, but im a girl when it comes to things like this. if a pornstar came up to me and wanted to fuck, i couldnt do it. i hand over more than just my body in cases like that. some people could do it, but i couldnt. i have to get to know a girl before any of that even really comes to mind. and on the note of me mistreating cat, she took me away from a healthy relationship; i still have mixed feelings about her for it. even if me and celeste did anything itd be truer than anything ive shared with anoyone else, because most of that was me wanting to get away from cat. Madison, Kayla, and Marie were all ways of me getting over her. celeste is different.

and i get shit for it.

just like i did with munchy.

now im expecting some strumpet to step in and sweep me away so i can hate her for two years.

aaaaaaaaaany moment now...



because life has a way of repeating itself that i dont enjoy.