im 17 tomorrow...

sub links: http://macknik.neuralcorrelate.com/pdf/news/powerstates_070801.pdf


im seventeen tomorrow, and as i look back, i feel so sick. its not meant to be like this is it? i dont want to feel like this. i mean i laugh and have fun in the face of it all, but at this point if you just chip away a little i overflow with contempt. my art is changing... its so enticing to chase dreams, but it seems the more i achieve them, the less i want them. i sent cat an sms today that said to call me after theatre banquet ended, i want to ask you something.

you see, she had a dream a long time ago when we first got together, a night mare that i took something from her and left and she would break down. as time elapsed and my love for her grew, the dream changed to me giving her a ring and taking it back. eventually the dream ended in me giving it to someone else. i loved her deeply when i learned of these dreams, and i always would assure her that would never happen, but if she calls me tonight, im asking for it back. i gave her a 1/2 kt diamond platinum ring for her christmas gift. she fucked me. its not that i feel like she deserves it for what she did for my gift that night, just that i know she is lying to me now, and that ring does not need to be in her possesion, making her turn to me time after time like i were her pet. tonight im going to show her my love for her is dead. and when she breaks down and cries im not going to be there for her. im leaving her to pj, and pj to his seven girlfriends he doesnt love. because you see, when theres nothing left to burn, you must set yourself on fire. and i am prepared.

im going to make a picture for Molly for her birthday being the day after mine, and being a year younger. its going to be a dolphin in an ocean of blood taht says YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU! :D -happy 16th!-
she likes kevin. i think its cute, and shes a flirt like cat was, but completely different alone. probably because she knows nothing will happen in front of a crowd when she flirts with everyone and makes all of the guys laugh and know among themselves shes just having fun. she was getting a ride home with him yesterday. it was raining out and so he went to bring the car around. as i stood with her for a bit waiting, i mentioned that she would be alone with him and gave her a smile and a stare that told her what i knew about her and suddenly her eyes sunk back into her head and she went cold before the saccades of her gaze went to the corner, showing shock, and immediately darting back up and then fearfully to my stoic gaze which i softened and her eye brows twitch slightly and she tried to smile like she was before. kevin opened the door and told her he was out front out of the rain, and as she walked away she made a final glance back to me and in a fearful fret of knowing that her guise was just revealed to me, we made a promise with eyes full of hope that kevin (who has been through a private hell with women which i could never come to realize) and molly (the virginal girl who lost the innocence she had through stories her friends shared) would find something between them.

i forgot, no, i did not know how to show her the pain that can come from her dreams with just a twitch in my smile and a change in my eyes. maybe its too late for that now. she ran outside into the rain and a warm car with a boy she would invest her soul into.